i hate ns i hate ns i hate ns

It’s now been approximately 2 months since exams have ended, and along with them life as a student (well, until uni, but that’s pretty different so this refers to the general idea of school before univeristy in Singapore). These 2 months have generally been filled with what I thought I’d missed out on during schooltime, what with the hectic rush of assignments and mugging. However, now that I’ve spammed so much Dota and PS3 games, I find myself missing school, strangely enough. It just feels like an extended holiday, and it hasn’t really sunk in that there’s no more school ever, even though results have been collected and all. Perhaps the thing that will be hardest to get used to is that there’ll be few opportunities to meet friends (inb4 HURRDURR NO FRIENDS) as frequently and easily as before, which I think I said a bunch about in previous post or something. That has all been relegated to the rubbish heap of history, sadly enough. Now that NS looms, I suddenly want to go back and just stay in school, cause no matter how sian it was it sure beats what’s to come, unless I come down with a terminal disease within the next fortnight. Also, it’s hard to take the idea of NS seriously after playing Valkyria Chronicles and also having sianned through 4 years of NCC, because I find everything the institution stands for ridiculous.

On the topic of school though, IB feels like the biggest fucking waste of time ever. 2 years of work (what’s with the number 2? Years, months, weeks, what a coincidence) but it’s all disappeared somewhere in Switzerland and I’ll never know what became of my IAs and EE and stuff. I’d rather have gotten my assignments back with sucky remarks and then I could have worked on it again, because stuff like Math IA were actually fun. Now it just feels like I spent 2 years chasing a number on a piece of paper, and didn’t even hit that magic number at that. This is clearly just me qq-ing as obviously if I had gotten a better grade I probably would not write this, but still.

The common theme here is probably that in these stages of life, it’s the people who change what is a drag and annoyance into something bearable and even fun. I suppose if there’s even one nice person to talk to in camp it makes things a lot better. This conflicts with my worldview that everyone is stupid unless proven otherwise but that’s just overly pessimistic me and isn’t true no matter how much I say it is. Quite likely more applicable on the Internet than real life. Also, as much as I rely on it, instant messaging doesn’t replace face to face contact. Sadly I think there’s some sort of vicious cycle involved where overuse of IM -> fail at social life -> go out less -> use IM more and KURIKAESUUU KOTOBA WA SOU MARU DE it just sort of screws up there. ~.~

Funnily enough though, we can simultaneously be so concerned for people we know, and yet be apathetic to other humans. On hearing that someone who got 45 wanted to re-mark TOK because he got a B, I thought this was pretty silly (actually the actual word I used was “fuck stupid”) said that if he had 145 bucks to re-mark TOK he should donate it to Haiti and be a real global citizen. I’m as much guilty of wasting money as said person, though, and Feito staring at me on my desk is one of the indicators. If there was an absolute scale of “should care about” the Haitians would be much higher on such a scale, and yet it’s hard to think about them on the same level as a friend who isn’t suffering as much as them, or even people like those I helped build a house for during WOW. This is likely not the same for everyone, or else there wouldn’t be NGOs and such, and I think the whole point of this paragraph is that I am an utter bastard. Oh well. Paragraph inspired by post I read on what rational argument an atheist would have for helping disaster victims.

Okay wow it’s 7.30 and I have no idea why I am writing this.

Superior —-v

can’t wait for math to end!!

[3] Magus: “…… So…since the dawn of time, it has slept underground,
controlling evolution on this world for its own purpose…”

This has no relation whatsoever to education, MOE or IBO. 15 more days, a blink of an eye compared to even the short 18 years alive but yet still the longest 2 weeks ever. Relativity is awesome.

Also, like no one will get why I’m quoting end bosses.

Welcome, friends! I knew you’d make it here, so I’ve prepared some suitable
entertainment for you!
How long are you going to let the destruction continue?
Kefka: I’ve tapped into the ultimate power. Observe…!
Kefka: Such magnificent power! You are like insects to me!
Kefka: I will exterminate everyone, and everything!
People will keep rebuilding the things you take from them!
Kefka: Then I’ll destroy those too. Why do people rebuild things they know
are going to be destroyed? Why do people cling to life when they
know they can’t live forever? Think how meaningless each of your
lives is!
It’s not the net result of one’s life that’s important! It’s the day-to-day
concerns, the personal victories, and the celebration of life… and love!
It’s enough if people are able to experience the joy that each day can bring!
Kefka: And have you found your “joy” in this nearly dead world of ours?
Yes!
Terra: I know what love is…!
Locke: And I have learned to celebrate life… and the living.
Cyan: My family lives on inside of me.
Shadow: I know what friendship is… and family…
Edgar: It is my dream to build a kingdom in which I can guarantee freedom
and dignity.
Sabin: I have come to experience anew the love of my brother…
Celes: I’ve met someone who can accept me for what I am.
Strago: I have a special little Granddaughter!
Setzer: My friend’s airship… and her love!
Mog: I have my friends here!
Kefka: This is sickening… You sound like chapters from a self-help
booklet! Prepare yourselves!
Kefka: Now, for my next trick, I will make you all… disappear!
Kefka, you don’t know what you’re doing! Stop!
Kefka: I command the greatest power in the universe! You are all helpless
before me!
Kefka: I will destroy everything… I will create a monument to
non-existence!
Life will go on! There will always be people, and dreams!
Kefka: No! I will hunt them down. I will destroy it all! Destroy! Destroy!
Destroy!!
We will not allow you to harm another living thing.
Kefka: Hee, hee, hee!! But what fun is destruction if no “precious” lives
are lost?
It’s over, Kefka!

Kefka: Life… dreams… hope… Where’d they come from? And where are
they headed? These things… I am going to destroy!
The end comes… beyond chaos.

The brain’s immense storage capacity is what allows humans to form and retain their memories, almost indefinitely. And so with the blessing of being able to remember all the facts we have learnt comes the curse of remembering other things, things that we’ve wanted to forget, or think we’ve forgotten, and one innocuous event can drag them up from the depths of memory. Truly it’s a double-edged sword, and this is where the technology metaphor ends, for there is no delete button for us to forget at will, no defrag to sort it out, no consistent index or folder system to arrange everything nicely. And thus they lay hidden in dark recesses until by chance they are called again, and when this happens there is no escape.

It’s really amazing how anything gets done when such an object controls our life.

Enthalpy of formation is the energy change associated with the formation of 1 mol of a compound from its elements at standard state under standard conditions of 298k and 1atm. Go brain.

Tomorrow thus represents an ending to many things. An end of official education in the Singapore system and in ACSI, an end to the concept of classes that we’ve grown accustomed to over 12 years. Probably also an end to many friendships, because as much as I’d like to believe that I wil be able to keep in contact with all the people I’ve met over the past 6 years, clearly it’s not really possible to do so, and my lack of initiative in establishing conversations means it’s quite likely losing touch will be something I’ll have to get used to (again). I guess Facebook might help a bit, but it’s not the same as saying hi and chatting for a while with people you’ve known for so long when you see them in the corridoor, even though you only see each other maybe a few times a week briefly.

The things I’ve come to appreciate from school have almost all been non-academic (insert rant about sucking at exams). Except for EE, Chem Oly and maybe Math Port, I don’t think anything else has really made me enjoy IB (or IB as the school has modified it). At this point it’s better to separate ACS as a culture and ACS(I) as an academic institution. While I pretty much dislike quite a lot of what I’m forced to do in IB, and I think sometimes the school makes it worse, it doesn’t detract from my appreciation of what the school has done for me the last 6 years. I think Rene’s speech at chapel covered some of it, like how everyone will remember stuff like Math Port because we all suffered through our own little hells everytime IAs are due. But it’s just a bit sad that we are only able to laugh at it because it was such a horribad time, and instead of “Hey we had so much fun” it’s more of “Holy shit do you remember the suckage”.

The school has changed much over these 6 years, and it’s barely recognizable as the place I stepped into in Sec 1. Secondary school is really different from IB, and I think perhaps a sign of how much people miss the good old times then would be the wearing of old ties/berms tomorrow (or it could also be just people wanting to be bored and do something stupid but hey). Personally, I’ll be kind of happy to leave because the administration seems to be a bit screwed up for lack of a better word. After “YESSS exams are over I’m finally done with all this bs” is “What now?” 6 years is 1/3 of our lives. It’s weird to suddenly have this place that we’ve been in for so long suddenly disappear from our lives, and probably take on much less significance very quickly.

However, I still like both Sec and IB education which I’ve experienced and I think it’ll be really sad when next year there isn’t school to come back to, friends to greet on the first day and laugh at how stupid they look with a new haircut or something. We’ve taken it for granted that we’ll always see each other, perhaps not so frequently but sooner or later somewhere in school. After the exams are over, after GEP chalet (we ARE having one I hope) and other random miscellaneous activities, we will only see the people we used to see weekly either monthly, yearly, or perhaps even longer timespans. It’s something which I thought would never happen, but then I’m pretty sure once done with uni/NS and into the working world, it will be radically different from what I’ve always taken to remain unchanging.

I guess the sianness of these 2 years was made up for by having friends (or as the pessimistic and cynical me likes to say, people who I think are friends and hopefully they are but not very sure and ohwell fml) and people to share the pain with, and many happy memories. Even if I get 45, I would thank the school first for giving me the opportunity to have experienced the non-academic aspects, like OEP and WOW, and for letting me meet my friends; the education seems somewhat of a secondary (harhar) point.

この二年の旅が終わった。今日は最後の日だ。でも、いつまでもその思いでが忘れない。

ーーーーーーーー

それぞれの場所へ旅立っても
友達だ
聞くまでもないじゃん
十人十色に輝いた日々が
胸張れと背中押す

土埃(つちぼこり)上げ競った校庭
窮屈(きゅうくつ)で着くずした制服
机の上に書いた落書き
どれもこれも僕らの証

白紙の答辞には伝えきれない
思い出の数だけ涙が滲(にじ)む
幼くて傷つけもした
僕らは少しくらい大人になれたのかな

教室の窓から桜ノ雨
ふわり手のひら
心に寄せた
みんな集めて出来た花束を
空に放とう

忘れないで
今はまだ…
小さな花弁(はなびら)だとしても
僕らは一人じゃない

下駄箱で見つけた恋の実
廊下で零(こぼ)した不平不満
屋上で手繰(たぐ)り描いた未来図
どれもこれも僕らの証

卒業証書には書いてないけど
人を信じ人を愛して学んだ
泣き
笑い
喜び
怒り
僕らみたいに青く青く晴れ渡る空

教室の窓から桜ノ虹
夢の一片(ひとひら)
胸奮わせた
出会いの為の別れと信じて
手を振り返そう

忘れないで
いつかまた
大きな花弁(はなびら)を咲かせ
僕らはここで逢おう

幾千の学び舎の中で
僕らが巡り逢えた奇跡
幾つ歳をとっても変わらないで
その優しい笑顔

教室の窓から桜ノ雨
ふわりてのひら
心に寄せた
みんな集めて出来た花束を
空に放とう

忘れないで
今はまだ…
小さな花弁(はなびら)だとしても
僕らは一人じゃない

いつかまた
大きな花弁(はなびら)を咲かせ
僕らはここで逢おう

No matter how hard it hurts me.
I’ll never say good bye.
Your presence will always linger in my heart.
…wanna see your smile again.

(¯3¯)

drama is always funny

until it happens to you